Fluffy, Queen of Darkness
by Aurellia Faun
Summary: In which Robin gets a Pillow Pet, Cyborg declares war on tofu bacon, Raven cheats on BB with EVERYONE, and Starfire is confused. Pairings: RobinXPillow Pet, RavenXEVERYONE... and yes, this is a crackfic.


"Fluffy, Queen of Darkness, I love you soooo much!" Robin sang, clutching his new Lovebug Pillow Pet. The Titans had just made a trip to Wal-Mart, where Robin had, in an incredibly undignified way, begged Cyborg to buy him the first toy he saw. Cyborg, figuring that he had been brainwashed and it would wear off soon, decided to humor him. Turns out, Robin hadn't been brainwashed, and now he was freaking everyone out.

"Dude! Stop molesting your pillow and help me protect my tofu bacon from Cyborg!" Beast Boy shouted over the noise from Cyborg obsessively firing his sonic cannon at the fort Beast Boy had made to save his fake bacon from Cyborg's rampage. Robin ignored him, and continued to say extremely creepy things to Fluffy, Queen of Darkness.

"Friend Robin, what is this '69' you keep mentioning? Is it not a number? Why then, do you keep throwing it out in your conversation with this pet of pillow?" Starfire innocently asked Robin. Everybody in the room stopped what they were doing and stared awkwardly at her.

"Um, it's…." Robin started to answer her in the least awkward way he could think of.

"It's how many times I'll punch Robin in the face if he doesn't SHUT UP!" Raven randomly shouted. Suddenly everyone noticed that she was in the room. She had been trying to steal Fluffy, Queen of Darkness from Robin without him noticing so she could cheat on Beast Boy with it. Of course, with Robin being the OCD ninja that he was, it would be easier to sneak Slade into the Tower and throw a party than to try to take his new-found obsession. Raven knew this since she actually had brought Slade into the tower many times before. It was surprising that Beast Boy didn't notice the fact that Raven was cheating on him with just about every person they'd ever met. But then again, he was too busy idolizing his nasty tofu bacon to care that his love life was dead.

Red X was standing outside of the door to the room the titans were in, trying to figure out how to get Raven on her own without making anybody suspicious. Suddenly he got an idea! "Of course! I'll just call her on her communicator and tell her to leave! That has to work!" Red X mused. He started talking into the communicator he had stolen from the tower the last time he and Slade had been invited to be in a threesome with Raven. "Hey Sunshine! I need you to come to our group orgy with whoever Slade brings along." he shouted into the communicator. "Slade, it's your turn to bring a fourth person for the orgy!" he yelled over his shoulder at Slade, who was standing behind him wearing a duckie inner tube.

But Red X forgot that all the communicators are connected. Beast Boy's was hooked up to the tower's surround sound system so he could hear it over his and Cyborg's pointless war. Raven almost facepalmed, then realized that facepalming would make everybody realize that she was cheating on Beast Boy with at least two of their enemies. The sound of dying fake meat paused.

"Um, Robin? I think X was trying to call you." Beast Boy said.

"What? I would never be in an orgy with Slade! Maybe Red X, but not Slade!" Robin said.

"Then why were they calling you?" Beast Boy replied. He didn't even notice that Raven was edging towards the door.

"They weren't calling me. The only orgy I'm in today is with Fluffy, Queen of Darkness." Robin remarked. "Come to think of it, that doesn't really count as an orgy..."

Beast Boy was becoming very disturbed. He slowly backed away from the Boy Blunder and asked Starfire, "Star? Was that for you?" He was sincerely hoping that she'd say yes, because if it wasn't Starfire, the call could only be for one person...

... Cyborg. "No, the words were not familiar to me."

"Cyborg, dude, you are messed up. First you try to kill my tofu bacon and now you're... involved... with two of our worst enemies? And they're both dudes?"

"What? Nuh uh, not cool, dude."

To stop any further annoying arguments, Raven sighed and admitted, "He was calling me." Beast Boy's mouth dropped all the way to the floor.

"R-Raven? B-but... you ch-cheated on m-me?"

"I've been cheating on you with everyone either of us has ever come into contact with ever since we started dating."

Beast Boy started crying. "Why? I thought wh-what we had was sp-sp-special!"

"You pay more attention to your nasty tofu bacon than me."

"A technicality! Who all have you been cheating on me with?"

Raven sighed again. "Let's see... Robin, Cyborg, Red X, Slade, Mammoth, Mas y Menos, Aqualad, Speedy, Kid Flash, Wildebeest, Hot Spot, Mad Mod, Warp, Cinderblock, heck, even Starfire at one point."

Beast Boy stared at Starfire with his mouth gaping open. He couldn't believe that Starfire and Raven could have possibly ever actually come into contact with each other even though they sorta got teamed up on a lot of missions. Come to think of it, it _did _seem like it took them way too long to defeat Cinderblock that one time... "Wha...?"

"Yes, Raven showed me how to do the 'making out' that Robin appears to be so fond of," Starfire confirmed. "I did not know that your peoples' tongues could move in that way."

Beast Boy felt deeply disturbed. And he'd even just seen Robin wooing a Pillow Pet; nothing should've been able to disturb him further than that already had. He fainted.

He woke up in his bed. "It was all just a dream? Good. I knew Raven wasn't cheating on me!" He walked downstairs, only to find Raven and Cyborg holding hands and laughing as they ate... real bacon? And Robin was trying to feed it to his Pillow Pet? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ha! I win. Pay up, Cyborg," Robin said as Cyborg sighed and passed him a twenty dollar bill. "See why I bought this thing now?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Friends, I still do not understand. Why would you trick friend Beast Boy in this manner?" Starfire wondered.

The boys looked at each other and said in unison, "Facon."


End file.
